ill be writing on this everything new, ill have the exact time and date for everything - although i may miss some things due to forgetting and not being able to.
. . . of mine was used in the VA:10 album (the ten year aniversary). i asked my friend NTSCMusicPerson if he knew anything about it but ... nope. not sure how i feel about this. i dont have discord but i might just make a discord account to bring it up. i also noticed that my twitter is getting a lot of attention. neet.
also thank you Tupperwave for the signed press test thing for his To You Baby With Love cassette, much love man.
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theres this one girl that keeps staring at me, not even blinking. its scaring me a little.
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nothing special, just wanted to pop in and say hi
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pulled a muscle the other day, i couldnt really walk.. it was so painful i had to skip school. but oh well.
i think ive almost finished most my assignments which is great.
yesterday i went to thing aussie thing at the fring, it was neat but not really much i like
teacher walks around the room so ill stop using this, sya
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man, i really gotta fix this site. i just went back on it the other day and it is real out dated. i wish i could be bothered to do stuff with it, but whatever.
nothing i have to say really but oh well
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i got some time again, not exactly much time but.. eh. its valintines day. ive nerver really had a proper one, i mean. ive people wanting to ask me out, but they were just too afraid to y'know. but its weird to actually have a boyfriend at this time.
and i never thought this would happen .. but im a furry now. thats what i decided to do for my boyfriend. but. its whatever.
usually my friends are very accepting, but.. when i told them about this they were all disapointed in me. i mean. i do understand that a lot of furrys are bad, but really they arent. the bad side of furrys have gotten too out there, and they just have a bad reputation. i have regular furry friends that arent into things like cub stuff. nad its hard to comvincd my friends that they really arent bad..
anyway, i have something to do, seya
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Tuesday, Feburary 12, 2019, 12:12 PM
i have some time to write now. ive been looking back to the chats ive had with my exes that dont speak to me anymore.. its kinda sad but eh,
my teacher wont find me sus this time since we have a writing task right now. but it really isnt that long of a task anyway so he might be thinking im cookin up a storm. oh well
i think im gonna be able to write more since they said they were going to be able to check our stuff but really thats just them chekcing the school wifi history. but whatever, i dont care. all i care about is them blocking the site..
im glad neocities exists, i love just all of this. along with tumblr too, i see it as a place for people to know me slightly better. and i did actually use it yesterday. kinda
anyway, im not sure if i said this or not, but i met someone that lives near me online, and im hopinh to go meet them in a few days since they got there car fixed. it isnt really a half hour drive but oh well. they dont really do anything in life so.
i cant wait to meet them though. and ive never really had anything like this happen .. ever
not really much i gotta say other than my boyfriend hasnt really spoken to me in a few days, which is sad.
oh, and before i forget. around almost a year ago helped a twitch streamer make a minecraft server lobby. i worked on it for around 10 hours straight on it, but they never ended up using it. he still streams today but he got rid of it. and he knows the work i put into that, he just doesnt care. and he is a really shady dude. i checked the server today to see every single thing i healped make in that world is now gone. forever. i checked the server ip and joined it yesterday,and all i found was a destroyed village and a portal. fun.
i might check it agan for any signs of buildings, and maybe even fly around with some client or something. i dunno. but im glad i have minecraft again, its been ages man..
anyway, im gonna go, i dont have any use for here so. seya?
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Tuesday, Feburary 5, 2019, 2:16 PM
guess who's back, guess who's emotionally unstable. this guy..
this one is going to be a quick update, but im happy but i also have a lil bit of anxiety now. i dunna whats happening o me but its back :/
im gonna try to be activ of tumblr again
my teacher is suspicious so im gonna go now, seya
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Tuesday, January 29, 2019, 12:43 PM
was gonna be actve on tumblr but nothing really happened. i did try to put somestuff on there but it wouldnt let me wich sucks. but A is gone for good, and i actually got a new boyfriend. theyre a furry too, so i dunno,might turn into a furry soon. we'll see
i have been playing way too much vr, but now that i have school again ill be playing less cause of the stuff.
i dont have long so ill go for now, see you sometime soon
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Tuesday, December 11, 2018, 2:21 PM
almost the end of school... finally. again, i wont be able to do much and from now on gonna be way more active on tumblr (which i still need to link hh
i thoguth id be more characteristic, just to give a little hint to how i act. but ive also stgarted a new persona - D34D
D34D will just be ... experemental music that will mess with your mental state.
and through research, some people like it, some people feel like theyre being wtched and some ust feel scared when listening ...
i might even make some clothes about D34D n stuff.. i dunno. just ideas
but, im excited for next year... and i hope to make more friends too - ive already made one so.
not really much i gotta say ig.. but @i.lied__
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Wednessday, November 28, 2018, 9:56 AM
i finished my exams.
i only have two weeks of school left
they werent that bad, and i dont get people were panicing but, eh..
i went to a funeral yesterday. i didnt think id actually cry. but.. at least i did. i wasnt too sure how i was gonna reast to be honest. and i wasnt sure how to act when i got there, but people were laughing and joking around at the start, a few people cried. but there first time i almost cried is when i saw the body of him (btw it was my great grandpa). the nails were the only thing really dead about him, but he was also very slim.
but seeing himwas when i almost cried. when they brought the casket out i felt more tears. but as soon as we stoo up i started to cry a little, and when they took the body away i cried. at least i know it wasnt ugly.
it sucks.
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Friday, November 23, 2018, 11:36 AM
sign.. exams soon.. probably gonna fail maths and history, but oh well. at least drama and science are easy
anyway. with the vr thing. ive been getting better at figuring out whats real or not, and my mind is as messed up in general.
every once and a while i feel like someone is pressing on my back, and my mum has been getting the same thing but on her arm
im thinkning about sleeping in vr with a friend, not sure why but it was just an dea we had ages ago. i think it would be fun.
not really much i want to talk about, but im gonna be ear 9 in about 2 weeks, and i have to go to a funeral like next wednessday
in a wa im excited because i get to see a body for the first time.. but .. anyway
seya whenever
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Friday, November 21, 2018, 11:44 AM
ive been playing a hell of a lot of PSVR. i recently fixed it and i wanted to play some recroom.
the first day i had a real fun time on, and made about 10 frriends. i stayed up until about 3 AM. The second day i met 10 more, and even got a crush one of them ... but they liked me too. the only thing thats wrong about it is that theres a 5 year age gap...
we arent really sure how we feel about us dating but .. the last day..
so i never took breaks witht playing the VR ... that means on monday, i didnt know how to walk properly or even with holding things. the nect morning even i woke up and i tried to press the pad on the contrller to move, and i even felt like i was gonna hit my TV..
but tomorrow im gonna take a break, im gonna be playing BO4, and even stream it.
im coming to a point where i feel i should plug my stuff.. but im unsure.
but all i got now really is that im coming to around 1k visits on this, which im .. slightly proud about, but i only got 2 followers but eh. im hoping they use this regularly to view this, and maybe even some emails? dunno.
i would keep going on but, i got nothing, and it would be nice if i had a chat room or omething on this to talk to viewers? dunno, my minds going eck.
bye for now guess
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Friday, November 16, 2018, 11:35 AM
nothing speacial, neck pains are gone, im dating my crush for a week.
i have a tumblr too so ill be more active on there, cause of my phone and my brain being a thing
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Friday, November 14, 2018
umm. what just happened.
if you check the dates of today and ysterdays blog ... im really not sure what happened, i swear it was the 9th yesterday...i have no idea.
but .. eh .. things like that .. happen. i guess
i got nothing else really, but my neck seems to be getting worse, and also the thing in my stomache *MIGHT* of been stan lee?
EDIT: jsut realized i did Nov 9 twice??
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Tuesday, November 9, 2018
nothing really has happened. but ive been more quiet, and yesterday i had the weirdest day...
at sometime yesterday, about 10:39 PM, i got the weirdest feeling in my gut.. i dont know how to explain it.
later that day i could feel a chocking or stabbing pain in my neck. im not sure if it was a friend or if it was just normal..
but i think its related t stan lee? but .. i dunno .. i dont really know him that well, or even care for that matter.
on twitter i asked people if they could tell me anything about someone getting stabbed or hung in the throat.. i dunno.. it was strange.
thats it for now. also people are scared of me again
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Friday, November 9, 2018
i feel like leaving for a bit was a mistake. i had a little bit of a break with school and that for two weeks, and i felt happy, but i got a little crazier i guess
something just doesnt feel right anymore, i always feel like someone is following me, i dont know where they are or what theyre doing, or even if its something there or not, its messing with my brain.
im not sure if i can even write these anymore since the teachers are getting more strict, and people are always wanting to hang out with me, and i slowly forgot about this,. but im glad im back .. kinda. im hoping i will be able to this this a LOT more,being gone for two months is kinda refreshing.. but i have a lot to talk about.
so, i got catfished, and havent been talking to A for a long time, and everyone is slowly coming to a realization. of it, which .. scares me
every time i dont have music or even my phone, i look crazy to people. which answers a few questuons. but people are thinking that im REAL crazy .. and honestly ive been saying some realy conserning things, maknig people uncomfortable.
i feel like im not getting the knowlage in need, i just dont feel like a smart peroson, maybe im just a little over reacting, or just too attention seeeking =
my parants think im gay, mainly my dad. my dad doesnt understand me, or even gay people, and my mum is always bringing up gay things, mainly because of my taste in pretty much everyhting rght now.
im still trying to find ways of hiding this website from people, and im hopinh the I.T. people dont see this site and taking it down, which would mean leaving you guys possibly forever..
gotta go, almost got caught writing this, later.
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A has been missing for around ... 2 weeks... its been so hard without him.. i cant deal with al this .. ive been so shaky, ive been trying to ask people that know him.. i dont .. ive actally been crushing on another guy ... which is one of the worst parts.. i love alex .. but i love him the same.. the other ude itsnt even gay..
i dont know whats wrong with me..
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so, this week has been ... a little rough... A jasn't been around for ages, i cant even remember the last time i saw him... but he might be going somewhere overseas or something, because he isnt the best at speaking any 4 of his languages,but eh... i hope he comes back..
the voices have been getting worse, i keep hearing llaughing and screaming whenever itd dead scilent in class. i keep hearing people telling me to kill a person in my class... im scard...
life has been feeling like such a hell hole...
i dont think ill be posting as much ... but ill try to keep you updated as much as possible...
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i dont want to talk about it
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i think im getting worse. ive been cstarting to call people autistic .. and even myself - a lot. the voices are getting worse, and the more i think, the worse the visions are getting. ive been thinking about killing my friends one by one, i just look dead. why me...
almost nothing is keeping me happy, its only the night where i feel alve, when i feel freedom for just so little time... i feel so .. stuck. stuck in something ive been forced into, without my knowing. i feel like, i made this. i feel like im in a simulation, but i know im not .. at least .. thats what my brain is telling me.every day, i get a hit of some reality, my pov gets .. distorted, and my heart beats faster. im scared - scared for and of myself.
what am i turning into..
my knuckles have been starting to tuen red, i dunno what the cause of ths is...my hans are just getting worse. my sckin is drying up. they sem to be urning a little yellowish, and i keep seeing what seems to be blood on them ...
im gonna go, i have a test to do
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ok. im so so sorry i havent done anything the past ... however long. things have been getting worse, and soem things have been going on tjay im not sure if i wanna tlak about it. yknow what, scrw it.
one of my friends was forced into something - which i wont say why for peronal reasins, but she was deciding to kill herself so she didnt have to do it. i was trying to tell them to go through it or do something about it (keep in mind at this point i didnt know what it is, because i respect their persoanl life.) but after a bit of convincing, they told me - and i was shocked. but after a bit of thinking, i told them that they should call the police. they pretended to call them about once or twice, because of anxiety. but after about whenever i last updated the dude has been locked up and my friend is going to therapy, which makes me kinda happy.
why kinda?..the voices have been worse then usual, and sometimes i can even feel breathing on my neck. every morning all i can hear is laughing, and i always feel lke i need to cry - but i just cant. ive been more quiet and ive been trying to stay away from people. im scared. and the fact some of the people in my class are getting concerned for me just mkaes me wanna ... i dont know... but people are always asking if im mad at someone or something, me looking confused at them. im ot sure what it is . but to me i think i look normal, or its my mind playing trcks on me... i dunno man....
my parants have been a bit strange around me lately.. im not sure if theyre sus or im just too quiet, or they realize how lonely i am. i used to play the ps4 a lot with friends, but after about a year they stopped talking to me, or joining my partys. but they would only talk and play to my broither ...and to be fair i am pretty bad at games, like cod n stuff. i just want to kow hw its like to have fun again... im almost never happy anymore, and the only things that make me happy is a few people and music. and some other things. i guess anyone willing to play with me can contact me their ps4 name or something - i do have a pretty bad name and im trying to get my ps+ sortedout, but i gues talking to pepople will be fun ..
i dont think ive got anything else to say, but, seya.
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so yesterday after writing i found a cut on my hand. i dont know where it came form, or what for. but all i was doing was just sitting down on my couch and watching some youtube. nothing more, nothing less. i dont know what to think of it, and whats worse is that it was gona about half an hpur later. no marks or even blood, so um not really sure what this is... but its strange.
ive been punching walls less, and i only did it once today, which is nice. but my knuckles are .. kinda scratched. but i hope i stop soon. and ive been golding my breahte every few days, and ive also been running out of breathe easily which sucks.
ive been getting more scared of the dark lately - i just cant deal with something being there without my knowing. and since im seeing more things its worse.
ive been feeling uper high, like all of the energy in me has just left, and i can barely do anything but think and read. but when i speak outloud its like im talking while drunk, but without getting any real words out - so pretty much like sleep talking. im not sure if this is bad for me but like .. ive almost fell over about 3 times today out of nowhere - and one time i actually
also - reminder: broken95mind@gmail.com to contact me
i dont have anything else to say .. so bye
EDIT: i forgot to mention, sometime in the future ill be doing these wa less, because the school is gonna have extra monotoring for these laptops so they can see what everyone is doing, and i dont wanna get cougth being on this site so .. yeah, just a heads up.
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ok. so. ive had a few days off of just school and life, and ivw bwwn just laying around and listening to music. but i did get the gmail done. if youre wanting to contact me my gmail is broken95mind@gmail.com if ya wanna contact me i guess.
lately i havent been to productive, ive just been doing whatever and talking to A a lot. and honestly ive been super chill, like high chill. i feel like i get high just out of nothing, and ive been feeling in class a lot, which makes me nt think, and almost sleep in class. even know when typing this i feel real chill right now. and honestly when i can id love to try a drug - probably extacy or however its spelt. from what ive heard its amazing, and you see some pretty weird things.
its getting kinda hard to like type, i barely have any energy and i love this feeling. its like im tired but full of energy. but nothings been hapening, and the voices have been less. so thats nice
bye
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so this blog is gonna be kinda mesy because there are people areound me again so im dimming my screen. but hey again
im still bored out of my mind, and this email thing is annoying me... ecause i dont really have a good memory, so i struggle to do a lot of things, and is a big problem with math ..
i still cant stop punching things. in dont know why. i might look up if this is normal, but ... id think its normal. and ive also been getting marks - well my knuckles are getting red and blackish. i told A about this, he's scared for me, and he told me to stop ... i just cant .. i dont understand why im doing this to myself. wahtever is making me do this, it wants me to die, or just be badly ingured. like i even know how to dislocate my thumb, and i have a temptation to do it every. single. day. and i dont even want to die. whats making me do this..
im gonna cut that off ... i dont want that to get crazy ...
im glad i dont have anything else wrong - orher then the voic3es. anyway... i got dance class soon so im gonna end this
baibai
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umm. so i diont know what has happened the past few days, i just kinda forgot. but im confused why it was so short yesterday, or what happened to the end. but im not too worried, but i dont think it was anthing important ... well to what i said.
still - nothing has been happening. but i still feel really ... stressed for some reason. well, at least im getting a 4 day break soon, which is amazing for me. and i dont plan on doing much, other then chilling on my couch and tlaking to people.
my boyfriend (A) has been acting weird, he wouldnt talk to me until 10 last night, which i found kidna strange. although he did text me when he was .. in a tree. he was watching eoople kiss which i thought was werid ... but the girls liked it... which was even weirder. although fdoes sound kinda hot--
im surprised nothing much has happened -oh and ps sorry i didnt make the email - i crashed when i got home from school and forgot if i had anything to do, so i just locked myself in my room and listened to tyler the creator. which also reminds me
im taking requests, lately ive been making edits, mainly tyler, the creator. ive been obsessed with tyler so so much, i havent been able to stop listening to his music. i hope to meet him and cbill someday, he seems nice and funny, his music makes me feel happy, his piano chords are amazing, and ive been even valling myself flowerboyfuck lately.
(1:21 PM) - so .. i think one of my school friends knows about this site, and is passing it on to the rest of the group... i dont know if i should be worried ... wow i just realised how in-desisive i am ... but he asked me if i was ok several time, each time i say 'im good', he repeated it about 5 times, befoe saying 'i know you arent', then walking away...should i tell him? should i just do nothing? eh ... i dunno.
well, that it - nothing i really wanna bring up, so. bye
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hey again, been doing better.
ive been happier today, and i finished GTA V which is nice, so i decided to play watchdogs 2 again. and its hard to play because i forgot 88how the feel of the gamplay is like. so eh. but i do miss plating it.
but it night ive been hearing some screaming, fading in and out. im not sure what it is from ut maybe be from snoring ... im not sure... but its freaking me out.
nothing bad realy lately ... which is good, but `` \=00po9i8a ssss6
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so. im able to write now. im in class again and were watching a movie and we can work on our work at the same time, although i am surrounded i dimmed my screen, so sorry for any spelling mistakes that i probably wont kow about.
ive been trying to distract myself from school and others, so i can just calmdown for once. ive locked myself in my room dor about 2 weeks. although the alone time had been nice, i havent exactly felt alone, and ive been seeing shadows where they shouldnt be, hearing people , seing someone stare at me from outside. im not sure if i should be worried or not, ut i just wanna see it - i wanna talk to whatever this is. and only when someone isnt around i can see it.
other then that ... im gonna stat the email today, not sure what its gonna be but its gonna be on the home page. nothing much has happened recently, although me and my boyfriend have been going good, and didnt realize how much of the same things we like, and ive even wrote a song ut .. i dont really know how to spresent it to him. ive also been listening to a LOT of tyler the creator, and i have him playing on my hone almost 24/7, and ive even learnt See You Again on piano.
i dont really have anything to say anymore, and also thanks for 500 viws. it isnt really much, and only follwer, but to me its just amazing, although i dont think people will actually read these ... but maybe just that one person .... hi if youre reading, i guess.
seya
EDIt: probably not doing daily (ok baibai)
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hi, and sorry - again. nothing really interesting has happened .. but only like 2 things.
so lately ive been staying up really late. usually i stay up to 1 or 2, but ive been sleeping at aroun 4ish, and ive been getting to school reallly late. it isnt really bad but it effects my attendance rates sligtly, although i dont mind. but ive been staying up late because i keep hearing screams.. theyre always outsude my window, and sometimes it sounds really distordered ..and every time i go too look behind me when im along, i can see something in the corner of my eye. all ive seen mostly is a black hand going to reach for my shoulder - and sometimes it has touched me, and i look aorund me - freaking out .. which make eveyone confused. maybe thats why i feel like someone is watching me...
also a reason why i havent been updating this much is because im always in class or in break making this, i have a laptop for this and another for my other site. and it is really hard to make this because i dont want to get cought making this, since these things are very personal to me, the school also has my entier history, so they could prbably find this sicne im always trying to look at some vaporwave sites on here.
so - some other stuff. i had to take a baby needle cause some medical thing stuffed up, so now im over dosed on something. it was my mums birthday the otherday, and we dont do regular birthdays. we get stuff, we open it, we do other things and chill. fun.
ive also been struggling to do much, cause im really low on energy and the past ~couple~ days some things have been going on, leading me to have many emotions.
so - im gonna write this in like a 3rd person one but - my friend (T) has a boyfriend, and theyve been doing out for a few months, and i didnt know who it was. but about a week before i knew that T did have one, i made a friend (A), which i find out about a week and a bit after, which was actually me guessing they were dating. but after time, me and A seemed to have a lot of things in common, and the more i tlaked to him, i had feelings for him. he made me feel.. special. and because of this i couldnt breathe properly, think properly, and i just felt like i needed to tell him (i did know he was dating someone at the time but i wasnt sure who). so, a few days after i felt this, i tell my friend theres a guy i like, he asked me his name and i said A. T was dating A, i didnt know what to do, and i start to act different aorund them, so after a few dys i try to calm down. i tell A me feelings for him .. i started shaking, it was really awkward. so about an hour later A and T talk about me wanting to date A, and they start fighting.. well i think they did i wasnt really sure. but after 10 minuets of tlaking, a get a snap from T, i was scared what he was gonna say. he says A broke up with T, or T broke up with A - i cant remeber - and i feel like beating myself up, he stops talking to me and A, i know T isnt mad but i feel mad at myself for letting this happen. i didnt want to interupt their relationship, and although i didnt see them in the same chat, they seemed good for each other. and T willing to give up a relationship for me was just so sad.. i didnt want this to happen, i didnt want any of it to happen. then i get a text from A, telling me they broke up. he asks me if its ok if he was just on his own for a bit, and minuets later he finishes crying. i kee saying sorry, over and over again, and i still feel responsible no matter how much people tell me im not. we talk for a bit, asking me if i will leave him .. i woudlnt leave gim for the lfe of me... i feel like i forget soemthing, but we tlak more and more... then i remember... i hug him and say 'i love you'.
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im so sorry i havent been active recnetly... ive been working on a new site, trying to practice on my ~coding skills~ for making a store where i can post my shirts, music, etc. if youre interested its called 'aidros lol store'.
ive been hearing less things, but ive been getting more weird vibes. let me explain
so since i have to take the bus to school, i have to walk about 15 minuets to the bus, then wait. and everyday ive been seeing someone new come out of the same house everyday. and one of them was walking around the stop then going to a fence over and over again. and ive also been feeling like someone is always watching me behind my back... every time im inn the clear and i look around, i still feel like someone is watching...
and there is a neighborhood stalker, which has almost taken my mum away, and a few of my friends, and even ive seen him - but - i just dont wanna walk to the bus anymore... but again, i dont know how to tell people.
but this is normal. i live in a shitty part of ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓, and i still dont really feel safe, and i always feel like something is missing, maybe its apart of me, something im actually actually missing, etc...
ive also noticed lately ive been making littaraly no sence to anyone, when it sound perfectly normal to me. but. like. its littarally nothing, out of order words, or just not making snece and simplifying my words. i dont really know whats going on with my seach at the moment but eeh. im used to it.
also, the reason i didnt actually do anything the past few days is because on like saturday i had a sleepover with my friend, and we watched stranger things - it was actually my first time actually watching it. we had pizza and stuff - it was nice.
on sunday i wasnt motivated to do anything, so i just played gta with myself. and ive been feeling pretty lonely since then, but i found someone that was like me. they hear voices, theyre ▓▓▓, everything. we've been talking every day, and since we both know a little bit of japanese we've been speaking in japanese too.
on monday, i still wasnt motovated to do anthing, but school is great .. right?.. i overslept and i was way too tired to do anytrhing at all, i also had dance class and did nothing, etc etc......
tuesday was just a regular ay, and actually did something productive
so thats it i guess.. and im also gaining like 25 veiws a day which is pretty nice, actually id like it if maybe whoever is actually reading this would bookmark this page. it could be the blog page or home page, i dont really care... just do whatever
so, all i have now is that i might start a Q&A, i dunno how ut ill make something where you can e-mail me - so i guess thats fun...
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so.. lately ive been kinda up and down with emotions and just everything in general..
ive been happy but sad, a lot, which is really annoying me becuase i cant things done that i have to do (homework), but i have been finishing homework (kinda) on the last days of when i have to turn it in.
the humming sound is sounding more idfferent every night, and im starting to hear more things. just yesterday i could hear some crying and it was really clear, i asked my friends if they could hear it - and just for context, i was in a really echoey room with my class and its pretty big (its a dance room) - and it was like i could hear it clearly. a few minuets after i went to go check what it was, but when i got to it, it just stoppen, and i heard the same humming again.
having less thoughts of suicides, but more on murders, which i think is making me more .. angered i should say.
in dance (again) one of my friends was in a pissy mood, and she kept going on and on about me and other people in our group for doing things. at the time she was sitting and doing nothing, i was working on the blog from yesterday (which she called me out on) and 3 others were jsut playing anime music .. it was pretty annoying i gotta say...
one final thing - altely ive been saying things in gibberish, but only i could understand it, and my friends looked at me at times like i was crazy. and ive been trying to listen to people butit sounding like nothing, so i look at them, confused...
(PS im gonna make this site look more aesthetic hopefully very soon)
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Still hearing things, still seeing things, still in pain, still .. something.
i heard more humming sounds which was really annoying, and was scaring me. the sounds were closer then before, and i couldnt sleep until about 2:30 AM...
the past few nights ive been falling asleep then waking up just instantly - im not sure what it means ut .. i think its a sign?
my eyes have been opening wide out of no where, and at times ive been holding my breath for about 30 seconds. people stare at me like im crazy - i am, and i want to tell them, but i feel this thing taking me back beofre i even say anything, and this is one of the only ways to tell people that i AM..
i keep seeing thoughts of murders, rapes, etc. and its making me strugle to do my work at school.
a good thing is that i am finally able to say thing without being offensive, but i still dont want to talk
and im only eating one thing a day - right now it isnt ba ut.. i dunno..
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something is slowly beating me up;
i woke up with 2 bruses, one on my back and one on my left shin. my left shoulder mucle was pulled and i cant find a good position to put it in. and my knees and ancles are really weak.
and its been hard to walk up and down the stairs at school, and im blocking the way which makes me embarassed, so then i go faster which puts me in worse oain. its even hard to walk normally...
should i get a checkup?
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... ive been acting strange. i didnt want to talk much today because i felt the need to say things i really shouldnt - and my friends at school have been worried for me because of how suspicious i act.
some people think im making an ARG or just trying to seek attention, but i can defiently say that both those things are untrue, but i do believe they wont believe me too much on it, which is something i respect because activity like mine is not usually normal.
ive been having so many thoughts, and ive tried to keep my mouth shut so much because of all the things i think of to say, and ive almost punched two kids, yell at someone for doing somehing to someone else and just .. other things that im not too comfortable to talk about right now...
but the voices seem to be getting worse, and i dont know how theyll stop.
i dont want to be ... them... i want to be normal, and live a normal life. but because of them ive been having phycotic thoughts and thoughts of things like death and suicide - and i really dont want to die, but i wanna know how it feels, but i also want to live a full life.
why am i like this...
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